I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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