I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
