we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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