apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
