Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
