If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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