Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
