Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
