i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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