I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How many fucks given?
0.12846
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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