I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
