Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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