so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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