Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
