Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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