dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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