whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
