You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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