my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
