well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
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Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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