the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize