This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
