quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
