Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What drink are we having for lunch?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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