The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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