Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
