i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I stole a fireplace last night.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
