Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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