I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My ass is underappreciated
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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