I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
