How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
