Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
