I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
