So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
