I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
