the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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