It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think I am morally bankrupt
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
