I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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