did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
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I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
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The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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