I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
