You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
