Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
