Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
