the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
