my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Randomize