I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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