Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
