areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
