I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
