You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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