He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
