Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
