dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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