I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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